Sometimes I’m terrified
of all the stupid things that I might do
of all the stupid things that I might do
I literally have no idea how to process this except to write out the facts.
A-muh passed away last week.
4 years and two days apart from when A-gong passed.
Both times I found out the day before leaving for a retreat/conference
Both times Dad was already on the way back/planning to go back to visit.
Dad is now in Taiwan. Mom’s flying out next week. Which means I won’t see them until summer because they won’t be home for spring break. And now it looks like I won’t see them much for summer either since I will be flying out only a week after. But I’m not particularly sad about that.
I think I keep trying to pinpoint where I’m at, like I can geographically locate my emotional and mental state. But in the process of attempting to analyze the nothingness that’s there, I start to analyze the fact that the nothingness is there. I still feel like a robot. It feels like I’m trying to force myself to feel the weight, the pressure, the wave of turmoil and pain, even though God took that away from me. It feels like I’m trying to make myself feel some sort of despair just so I can give that up to God and feel the comfort of a weight being lifted. But I don’t feel numb. I don’t feel lost or dazed. I’m not emotionless, I just have no idea what my emotions even are or should be. The times that I have cried I literally have no idea what it’s about.
I’m not sad. I’m not depressed. I don’t feel guilty for not feeling sad. I don’t feel heavy-laden. I have the blessing of not feeling the pain and grief. I don’t feel overwhelmed or stressed. But I’m falling behind in classes. Have to hand in last week’s lab late. Don’t know when I’ll get around to doing this week’s lab, both of them. I’m sure I bombed that test. I want to devote more time studying and working on my craft because I actually care about that deeply. But I need to do the necessary prep work for that so I can turn in the assignment in two weeks. I want to spend time reading the Word and prepping for next week. Actually that’s the one thing I keep picking up, my Bible. And my guitar. There are things I need to say to people. Don’t know when I’ll have the time for that. There are people I want to reach out to and spend time with. There are books I need to read, books I want to read. Applications I need to review, decisions I need to make. Numbers I need to crunch out so I can make those decisions. All these things to do but not sure where my priority lies. I should probably catch up with school work so that no longer becomes a lingering issue, but all I want to do is pick up my Bible and books and study more movies and scripts. I don’t feel overwhelmed mentally but my mind is definitely ADD right now.
I need to write A-muh’s eulogy.
1. When your brain constantly is reminding of things to do, write it down somewhere on a list or calendar
2. Evaluate the list, knock out the easy stuff first
3. If after weeding easy stuff out, the list is still overwhelming, attempt to relieve stress by crying your eyes out
4. If you are a robot and are not capable of having human emotions, take a few moments to reel in the mental damage that just occurred
that I am desiring for something so much deeper than what I have.
Day after day, night after night
It’s just a bottomless pit of emptiness
Me: Ugh, you know what the issue in NYC is? There’s too many damn people. Period. Why can’t we just get rid of some of them?
God: Ok, why don’t you leave then?
I’m only human. Just an egotistical, self-righteous, self-entitled, greedy, self-centered a-hole. Which is basically the definition of a New Yorker.
To not point my finger at God and blame Him for how we all ended up here. My faith is something I have come to treasure, but so much of the time I am clouded by just how ignorant and vile we really are.
I keep looking for reasons to stick around, and though there isn’t much convincing arguments that has made the case, I do so perhaps out of my own masochistic mannerism, but most of the time it is a God-given miracle that I am even continuing down this road.
that all I want to do is just run,
away from here, away from this
and toward something new