I literally have no idea how to process this except to write out the facts.
A-muh passed away last week.
4 years and two days apart from when A-gong passed.
Both times I found out the day before leaving for a retreat/conference
Both times Dad was already on the way back/planning to go back to visit.
Dad is now in Taiwan. Mom’s flying out next week. Which means I won’t see them until summer because they won’t be home for spring break. And now it looks like I won’t see them much for summer either since I will be flying out only a week after. But I’m not particularly sad about that.
I think I keep trying to pinpoint where I’m at, like I can geographically locate my emotional and mental state. But in the process of attempting to analyze the nothingness that’s there, I start to analyze the fact that the nothingness is there. I still feel like a robot. It feels like I’m trying to force myself to feel the weight, the pressure, the wave of turmoil and pain, even though God took that away from me. It feels like I’m trying to make myself feel some sort of despair just so I can give that up to God and feel the comfort of a weight being lifted. But I don’t feel numb. I don’t feel lost or dazed. I’m not emotionless, I just have no idea what my emotions even are or should be. The times that I have cried I literally have no idea what it’s about.
I’m not sad. I’m not depressed. I don’t feel guilty for not feeling sad. I don’t feel heavy-laden. I have the blessing of not feeling the pain and grief. I don’t feel overwhelmed or stressed. But I’m falling behind in classes. Have to hand in last week’s lab late. Don’t know when I’ll get around to doing this week’s lab, both of them. I’m sure I bombed that test. I want to devote more time studying and working on my craft because I actually care about that deeply. But I need to do the necessary prep work for that so I can turn in the assignment in two weeks. I want to spend time reading the Word and prepping for next week. Actually that’s the one thing I keep picking up, my Bible. And my guitar. There are things I need to say to people. Don’t know when I’ll have the time for that. There are people I want to reach out to and spend time with. There are books I need to read, books I want to read. Applications I need to review, decisions I need to make. Numbers I need to crunch out so I can make those decisions. All these things to do but not sure where my priority lies. I should probably catch up with school work so that no longer becomes a lingering issue, but all I want to do is pick up my Bible and books and study more movies and scripts. I don’t feel overwhelmed mentally but my mind is definitely ADD right now.
I need to write A-muh’s eulogy.